My mind is confused and my heart is heavy. Probably because of thoughts and emotions intertwined in complexity and turmoil. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to stop.

I remember someone saying that you can describe LIFE in three words. It goes on. True enough, it does. Just like in a race, when one falls, the others go on and continue. At times when you feel you hit rock bottom, the world doesn’t stop to morn with you, to be sad with you, to simply listen to you. Things keep on moving. People keep on living. That’s just how things are in this world of the living.

I would say that right now, I’m once again in a crossroad. Faced with a choice of changing my world or changing my self. There are times in one’s life that you tend to be too comfortable of what you are and what you have that you don’t accept change. You resist change. I guess that’s where I am. I am stuck in this small, little comfortable air bubble that I call my reality and simply ignores the harsh realities that I should be dealing with outside.

Whenever you are outside your comfort zone, you are vulnerable. And basically, I don’t want to feel such. To simply put it, I’m not much of a risk taker. I play safe. And I guess that’s where trouble begins. Whenever trouble boils, I tend to shield myself by going inside my bubble, my mental place of safety. I stay there and wait until the coast is clear. I find out later on that the world has passed by me.

Resistance to change is resistance to growth. I know I’m preaching ironically. But saying it boldly is something to start with. I hate change probably because I hate to grow. Why do I hate to grow? Because it’s painful. Who wants pain right? But should one stop growing just because it’s painful?

It’s often difficult to bring yourself to conclusion. As a person, we usually solicit advice from others who know us and see us in a different light. Right now, I’m writing “out loud” my thoughts. This way, I get to document it. Read it. And make it a reality. As writing they say is therapeutic, it is as well a means to personal realization and resolution. I hope to reach that stage, that part where happy endings are simply the beginnings.

I remember one time I took this “How Geek are You” test in facebook. The result made me smirk. It said I am not really a geek but just a dreamer caught in my little own world. It was fun. But I felt it was true as well. It brought about a silent reality in me, a confirming thought I tried to avoid.

So I guess this is where I am right now. A lot must be done, inside and out. I guess what you feel inside manifests outside, in your actions, your words. Cleaning the outside is but a useless effort if one does not begin within. Once again, I’m preaching ironically here. But I guess that’s just how I talk to myself.

Life is hard and avoiding it makes it much worse. One just have to learn to live with the fact that things just don’t always go our way. Quoting one book, “The world does not owe us a living. In fact, it does not owe us anything. It was here first”. Very true.

I guess I just have to learn to swallow what I find difficult to swallow. That’s just how it is – all in the world of the living.

A few weeks back, I received a call from a company which is a dream for many in my league. I have been offered a job. It was overwhelming. I believe it was something given not merely by man but by some divine providence. The job has been going on in my mind for months, since I left my last job to do what I love the most – creating my own digital works of art. I desired to have a job that merges what my academic orientation was with my passion. The job was the very thing I prayed for.

When I broke the news to my parents, they were happy too. Although I know, at the back of their minds, they were sad – for the last chick was about to leave the nest and go into the forest to make its own living and try to survive. I can read my mother’s prayers in her eyes each time I look at her. It has also been a year that I was out of work so I had a great deal of time to be with my old folks.

In about a year I was with them, I learned so much more than all my learning at school combined. I saw how they laughed. I saw how they cry. I saw how strong they were, and I saw how weak they can get. Their age brought with them wisdom never found in anything so far in my life. They try their best to ready their children but they could only do so much.

My parents are not perfect. In fact, they are far from that. My mom had her share of failures and mistakes. My dad had a problem with loneliness and a lot of things more. For all those years we were with him, he was always silent. And now, that everyone has flown out of the house to build their own lives, it was too late for him to realize how absent emotionally he was in the lives of his children. They were never perfect. But they were the best I could ever wish for.

I saw their battle with age. I often find my mom mixing a hair-dye powder in a cup of warm water. Later on, they would be busy dyeing each other’s hair – much more of a bonding time.

My dad was often in rage in dealing with memory loss. He was ill-tempered and impatient. He kept pushing that he has this Alzheimer’s disease. All the doctors think otherwise. So do I.

It came to a point that my dad’s problems affected his work. He will be retiring in about eight months as of this writing. He is in a retiring age since he started to work only later in his life. He was becoming a nuisance in the office. My mom had a call from his supervisor so I went to accompany her. The problem was resolved with my mom promising to take care of my dad so as not to let him get bored during office hours. She kept trying to see my dad in the office during lunch just so he would have someone to talk to.

It was there that I saw my mom’s strength. She has been carrying this family so much over the years, ever since we were kids. She was strong. Even until now that she needs someone to be strong for her.

It broke my heart to leave them at home. But then again, I am my own self. I should live a life of my own. I don’t take away the possibility of living again in my parents’ house someday. But for now, I have to live my life. A window has been opened and the sun seems shining bright outside.

Where I came from, there were birds and a lot of it chirping when you wake up. My room had a little sun roof, just enough to warm me up as the sun rises. My dad is an agriculturist and we have lots of greens in the front and side lawns. We have orchids of red, purple, yellow and white among many others. Fruit and hardwood trees were growing by the day. The soft morning breeze welcomes you with sweetness.

Where I am now, the sound of cars and busy streets wake you. The children rushing early to school are the sight. Skyscrapers graze the skies as the night turns to day. The big city never sleeps. It never pauses for breeze nor does it keep silent for a minute or two to hear the birds sing. It goes on like forever.

Slowly, things start to sink in, falling into place as I said. Many say you don’t get everything you want. True enough. The very reason why we have priorities – we decide depending on the most important things to us. Slowly and unknowingly at times, we are shaped by our priorities. We become what we think we are.

I have a few good reasons why I decided to grab this job that brought with it the new life. First, I want to save for a family I hope to have someday or in the near future. I hope to prepare well to be able to provide well for them. Another reason is, if in case I don’t stay too long on this job, at least I get to have their name in my resume. Well, practically speaking, their name in my records would like be a shining badge in my chest.

For now, the night is getting old and a new day is waiting for me a few ticks in the clock from now. The air is getting cooler and the bed lies softly as the view drowses me well. The battle is about to unfold. Wish me luck.

I’m sitting here with her as she talks about things, the ongoings of her life and mine and ours. I realize how I have been holding so much from her. I had tried a lot of things already, things that I know she had always been dreaming of having or trying but did not have the chance and money.

She deserves a lot and I hope it isn’t too late to give her the best experiences of life.

I hope I get to have another date with her soon.

It was a beautiful date with my mom.